That experience made me different！

To be honest, I was and am very sorry for my not good performance in the English-teaching career, especially that I did not present an English open class in front of my whole colleagues of English teaching-research group, not to mention in front of the whole school and the whole county. As a teacher, I felt very embarrassed for my bad performances in the English lesson competiton or the open classes within the whole county. So when I got the news, I really did not know whether I would be glad or not, or whether I would be sad or not.

During those 19 days, I always felt very worried, upset, anxious, sad, depressed, in low spirits and sorry for myself, and sometimes even fearful and frightened, with a long face. And most of time, I was always feeling suppressed so much that it was too hard to take a slight breath.

Most of nap time, I always slept on the floor of the sitting room with the electric fan on, but often in insomnia. Although lying there, I always thought of my teaching content, or the teaching courseware, or sometimes just too anxious to go into the state of sleeping, turning over and over again and not falling asleep.

Though I fell asleep at times, it was a very short time before I felt that I had already waked up and worried again about my prepared lesson because I always felt that my preparations were not enough, and thought it should be much better. It all meant that I was not very confident in myself and that lesson presentation.

Only in the office, could I concentrate on the preparations for the lesson, because I love this work very much, and am hard-working, sudious, cautious and conscientious seriously and carefully. And almost I did not join my colleagues in their little chats about some trivials in life or teaching. I was silent to everything and I was not interested in anything a bit. What suppressed me most was an invisible force, so that I could not breathe. Although I also had a gooooooood laugh over some of jokes and something funny. I felt very feeble almost every day and I did not find any energy to support me and needed very much a power to raise me up,

At home, I did not turn on the TV set at once as usual. At times, I opened my courseware in the computer and looked at it aimlessly, at other times, I just lay on the floor and did not want to do anything. It is very strange that lying down should make you feel very good or calm down. Lying there, I was always worrying about my coming open class, with my eyes wide open. Sometimes, I went to the kitchen to prepare lunch or supper to make me busy in order to make myself forget that matter temporarily in a very short time.

But of couse, I also had a short moment of pleasure and comfort and non-worry. Whenever I had a goooooooood idea or inspiration about my open lesson, I also felt very excited and even thrilled with myself and my new changes for my lesson. Several times, I got my inspirations when lying on the floor and turning over and over not to go to sleep. When I made my rehearsals against my computer, I was also feeling very fine and full of a little confidence. And I had to admit that every rehearsal or practice would made me firmly confident and full of courage to win.

Little by little, I was gradually becoming sure that presenting an open lesson was not so terrible if I made a complete and careful preparation, and especially after the last two rehearsals, I was not nervous and surely thought that I was able to do very well in that seminar. Because of all those practices and thorough careful preparation, I did not feel any nervous and upset and anxious about the open lesson. I also felt very calm even though the day came near to me. I felt very calm on the way to Linyi, and had a pleasing and relaxing chat with my colleagues, very happy.

So when it was my turen to present my lesson, I went up on to the platform calmly in the presence of all the teachers present. After talking a lot with my ever-deskmate in front of the platform, I felt much more relaxed, and in some sense, I felt that I had entered a good state of mind, acting as my role. I was very calm in my inner heart, and was enjoying the process. And I did not have any kind of tension and unease I had been worried about prior to it. Therefore, finally I truly triumphed over myself, and overcomed my own shortcoming in front of so many teachers from some counties and districts.

When I finished my course and thanked my students with “Thand you all!”, all the students gave my a warm applause. In their sincere applause, I bowed to them deeply and politely, because I knew that I won the open lesson and myself and recognition and appreciation of students. So I think that lesson was the best one of all my lessons since my graduation. I was feeling satisfied and proud that I could do what I wanted to do, and meanwhile I could do it very well if I wanted to.

So when I got off the platform, I did not feel a kind of excitement I desired for before. When I came back my seat, I had the same state of mind as I did not present my lesson. I did not have the special happiness and pleasure, and did not feel as if relieved of a heavy load. I was not very happy as I had imagined when I got the news. I felt that everything went as it was. And thinking that a lesson was a lesson as it was, not any specially. After a short time of explanations about the lesson, I went to the bus stop peacefully to catch my bus home. Everythin would go as usual.

That experience really made me so different. I really suffered from the sadness, but I also benefited a lot from that experience, and I also grew stronger a lot. At the very beginning, I felt very sad and anxious and evern depressed, and then after many practices and careful preparations, I felt a little comfortable and relaxed, and finally I felt very calm about it and enjoyed it.

Everybody is different if you think you are so different. And believe in yourself and think that everyone can make a difference if you think you can make a difference.